We are back together in Europe for our annual cycling challenge and it seems introductions are in order for those who haven’t followed previous blogs. Actually, we don’t give out full names as several guys are on wanted lists or in witness protection programs, but we do like to give blog readers an idea of what we’re about.
We’re between 50 and 60, except for one boy-child named Rick. He’s younger but fits in well because he doesn’t have time to train. The core group is Stanford Business School classmates who are spread between San Francisco, Salt Lake City, Dallas and Atlanta, and they’ve allowed 3 or 4 infiltrators over the years, mainly architects from Atlanta. Two guys, Chris and Steve, are missing in 2012 as they chose a cycling trip in Spain that happens at the same time. This means we have two newbies, Bill from Dallas and Reb from Memphis.
This year we are publicly revealing our cycling weaknesses instead of our cycling strengths. Information we’ve shared about our strengths in the past has been unreliable (“talking trash”) so we won’t challenge you with teasing out truth from fiction.
Here are our known cycling weaknesses:
Todd: titanium hips. Both of them. Just tap on one if you want him to slow down. Actually, it might be better to put a large magnet in your jersey pocket and ride just behind Todd. This would create the proverbial “bungi cord effect” (assuming his hips aren’t really PURE titanium).
Howie: pastry and gelato shops. If you’re riding with Howie and need a break, just say “gelato” and point out a nearby shop. Then take a break.
Markham: competitiveness. Starting with Day 1, tell Markham, “Tomorrow is Race Day.” That way he will experience visions and sleeplessness all night long. Do this on Day 2 and 3 as well. By the time Race Day actually arrives, he’ll be tired and compliant, like, “whatever”.
Charles: quaint towns. Find any rural road not on the scheduled route and ask Charles if he knows about the historic town off thataway. Then take a 2 hour break. Oh, and hope he doesn’t find a second town further down the road and an entirely new return route.
Jim: wine. You need to plan in advance for this one. At dinner, wait til everyone else has had a couple glasses of wine, then order 2 more bottles. These are for Jim. Guaranteed to make him sluggish the next day.
Rich: sprints. To trim Rich’s sails, find any flattish stretch of road and shout “Sprint!” Get on his wheel and ride that Texas bronco until he tires out. Then find a couple nice hills and wait for him at the top.
Bill S.: politics. If you’re riding with Bill and desperate to slow the cadence, just say “Obamacare!” Take 15.
Rick: iPhone. Put Rick into your contact list, and when he’s pulling steadily ahead of you, send the following text message: “Urgent. Call office.” He’ll be standing alongside the road as you pull through.
Jack: [all information deleted due to confidentiality agreement]
We’re still learning about the new guys, but here are a couple tips:
Reb: his name. Is he a Son of the Confederacy? He’s REALLY tired of answering that question!
Bill R.: steep hills. That Texas gearing makes 20% slopes feel like 60 mph headwinds!
We’ll let you know more details about the Bike Boyz as they come up. Stay tuned…..